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During the tug-of-war over national-media-sized distraction Elian Gonzalez, it was suggested (jokingly) by my uncle that we should write a Broadway musical about the story. It certainly seemed to be about right for Broadway; the very news coverage was caked in tropes from West Side Story, Evita, and Tommy 2: Can't Hear Da Noise, Can't Smell Da Funk. Of course, we both knew we had no intention of doing this.

But, I proved myself wrong. After twelve years of doing nothing with the idea, I managed to put together a script to a full-length musical while waiting for my table at Bugaboo Creek. So now, I am proud to present ¡ELIAN!: The Brilliant Musical.

¡ELIAN!: The Brilliant Musical

by Vic "Symbolism Is My Middle Name" Symbolism Fieger


SCENE: The poop-deck of a ship leaving Cuba City en route to Miami, the Emerald City. Ship Captain is at the big wooden ship-steering wheel. He is spinning it around like a child would (This is symbolic of Elian being a child.) Next to him is a crate labeled "CUBAN POTATOES."

SHIP CAPTAIN: Set sail for full speed ahead! (Picks up binoculars and looks out to sea with them) Ah, the sea is a frosty mistress indeed, filled with adventure and part of a balanced breakfast.

(Elian pops out of the crate. He is played by a man in his thirties.)

ELIAN: Uh oh! I knew I shouldn't have taken that left turn at Albuquerque!

CAPTAIN: (surprised) What is this? A large insect? Some sort of potato-burrowing bug?

ELIAN: (climbs out of crate, holding a Cosmo-Apple-Vodka-tini in one hand) Oh, swear to God, one more of these and you're going to see a Cuban Projectile Vomit Crisis. These rough seas are doing a number on me. So, we're going to be in Miami before the clubs close, right? Gotta get my swerve on, 'cause it's the weekend! D.U.I.F.! (dances in place and makes the "Nnts! Nnts! Nnts! Nnts!" sound) Nnts! Nnts! Nnts! Nnts!

CAPTAIN: Stowaway, prepare to be thrown overboard! You shall then swim your way to the fair shire of Me-Am-I without my boat-ship carrying your body!

ELIAN: Hold that thought, Old Blubbersides. I just got a quadruple-axle of an idea! It's only the 1990's, so... I'll invent the iPod! (takes out a laptop and types) Just think: the world's very firstest digital music player, not counting the ones that Rio already released. Man, nobody will ever steal this from me!

STEVE JOBS: (slowly arises from the potatoes with an evil look on his face) Oh yeah?????

AUDIENCE: Boooo! Hissss!


Act 2 is a Jay Leno impersonator recapping the events of Act 1 in monologue form. It only takes five minutes, but to the audience it will feel much longer (stretches things out a bit.)


SCENE: Home of the Gonzalez family

ELIAN: (runs into room) Everyone! Help! Somebody stole the idea for the iPod from me! I left my idea right here on the desk and somebody took it! Was it... (looks at the audience and points) you??? (This is symbolic of society projecting its political beliefs onto Elian or something.)

(Knock at door)

AGENT: (off-stage) Open up! Immigration!

ELIAN: (looking worried) Uh... GO 'WAY! NASCAR'S ON! (to audience) Get it? I'm pretending I'm white!

(The audience laughs and some of its more wealthy members remark on how brilliant the symbolism is.)

(The door is kicked open and the immigration agent runs in.)

AGENT: Now my gun will make sweet love to your skull, Clown-boy!

(Oh, did I mention Elian is dressed like a clown in this scene? Otherwise that last line wouldn't make sense.)

ELIAN: (whips out a giant knife) En garde, you pig-person!

(They sword-fight: Elian with his knife and the other guy with his gun. The fight is dripping with symbolism. Elian knocks the gun from his hand somewhere around the eighteen-minute mark.)

AGENT: NO! If only I hadn't come alone! I'll be back! (he runs away)

ELIAN: Wait! You forgot your gun! Oh well, he can pick it up next time. He said he'd be back after all. I guess he-- WAIT! It was STEVE JOBS! HE stole the iPod! Ooooh, I am so mad!

(During the last line, a man disguised as a tree entered the room. He now hands Elian a note, and walks back out the way he came in. Elian reads the note.)

ELIAN: Oh gosh darn it to fucking heck! I forgot this is a musical! I need to go write some songs. Be right back, bitches! (he leaves)

[I added something in the margin here in pencil. I don't remember what it was but it looks like it says "TIGIYTEV TMIS JP".]




(Actor who plays Elian shuffles out on stage, looking angry. There is no scene behind him.)

ACTOR: Alright. I was doing a little research during the intermission when I was writing those songs, and came across this little fact: Elian Gonzalez was, like, SIX years old when all this stuff went down. This is a huge setback for me, because I was planning on doing the entire second half of this thing nude. So, new game plan: I'm gonna be Castro from now on.

CASTRO: Ohhhh, me gusta tequila! Yo soy Castro! Time to sing a song, but first I must remove all my clothing! I shall start with my pants.

(Castro struggles to take his pants off, as he is old and frail and his Ninja Turtle-style spinkicks are merely a shadow of their former glory. The pants bunch up around his ankles. He spends the next hour on his back, not making a sound, trying to remove the pants by kicking his legs in a futile manner while the audience watches in horror. The symbolism is breathtaking. Eventually, he falls asleep. It is a restful sleep.)


ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Vic Fieger has a dog named "Unconditional Love For All God's Creatures Great And Small" and a cat named "Pukey."