The title of this section is "Things I Made Up That Sound Crazy Enough To Be True". I call it this because the little tales and facts below are completely false. I created them myself out of whole cloth. They're fake, not real, imaginary, untrue, bogus, and fictitious. They are not to be taken at face value. Do not believe them.
I'm putting them here for two reasons. First, perhaps they'll amuse you. Second, I know that despite everything I laid out in the previous paragraph, people will still read these and think they're real because they're on the internet. I'm okay with that.
Remember, I can make this stuff up out of nothing. Imagine what professionals can do to existing stories.
In February of 2013, a new record for the "consecutive number of times a parent told a child 'No' before getting up and doing something about it" was set. The new record is 80 times and was set by Erin Byers of Rehoboth, Delaware. New records have been set fourteen times since the invention of texting. Prior to that, the record of 41 times was held by Mike Bristol of Keene, New Hampshire for nearly two decades.
On August 7, 1999, Officer William Rooney of the Yuma Police Department in Yuma, Arizona pulled over a driver for a burnt-out headlight. The driver then informed Officer Rooney that his patrol car had the same issue. Since then, the Yuma PD has replaced their headlight and taillight bulbs on all their vehicles on a weekly basis in order to avoid a repeat of the embarrassing mishap. It costs taxpayers $40,900 annually.
The Federal Communications Commission announced in 2007 that it was no longer necessary for movies and TV shows to use phone numbers with the exchange code 555, because everybody has pretty much figured out that you can't call fictional characters.
The average American spends three weeks of his/her life staring at the yogurt case in the supermarket deciding what to buy.
Whether they are right-handed or not, Village People impersonators are commonly struck with aches in their right arms only. This is due to the necessity of constantly reaching over their heads with their right arms to make the "C" in the dance accompanying the song "YMCA."
The 1976 Grammy for Best Bluegrass Album was awarded to Schmucks n' Plucks, the all-Jewish bluegrass novelty band from Connecticut, for their Christmas-themed record Repeat the Sounding Oy. After much outcry from the bluegrass community, the Grammy committee responded by eliminating the category for the next twelve years. Schmucks n' Plucks recorded a song about the controversy, entitled "Oh, So Now We're TOO Good?", for their next album It's Very Catchy, You Know.
In a little-known 1983 interview, Joni Mitchell was quoted as saying, "I still can't believe those eco-nuts never realized 'Big Yellow Taxi' was a parody of protest songs. It's so overdramatic, it should be obvious to anybody."
People who drive with their brights on and don't turn them off when following other vehicles are zoophiles who commit acts of bestiality in their spare time. They use their headlights as a signal to each other, confirming their sense of community, and also to upset other drivers as their way of striking back at a society they feel treats them unfairly. This is why whenever you ask somebody, "How come you never turn your brights off?" they always reply, "If you don't know, I'm not telling you." That is the response they've been instructed to give in order to avoid the subject.
The U.S. newspaper industry is now doing so poorly that in May 2013 it is estimated that 28.4% of papers sold were purchased solely so that kidnapping victims could hold them up in photos accompanying ransom notes.